Its strange. In my life before, especially growing up in England. Death was always a subject avoided. Before I came here I had only ever attended one funeral, and that was of my grandpops. To whom I was incredibly close, I remember crying the whole way through and for months after. Now that I am here, I have been to over 20 funerals. In the last 2 weeks, I have had five people either I knew quite well, or were close to people very close to me, be taken away. Death is natural and is accepted here, there is no great mourning, no wailing or gnashing of teeth. The life of the person is enjoyed and it is a culture I have grown accustemed too. It does put a whole new perspective on the whole process, death may be the end but it is the end of what we all hope to be completely fuffilled lives. Although the last two weeks, it has not been so easy to see things this way. I have grown used to peering into the coffin at the wake, mumbling my apologies to myself and quiet hopes of a fuffilled life. Seeing an old witherd face looking back, a face that looks as if it has lived if not always a perfect and easy life but still a long and prosperous one none the less. Looking around a room full of the people of whom he has given life or have had the chance to be a part of his life. If only it were the same for the last two wakes. I saw no wrinkles no withered signs of full life. Young faces barely older than mine with no signs of endless age old wisdom, but merely the hope that is lost on the life they could of had. Looking around the room. I see not one person brought into the world by the two young men lying at rest. Just alot that shared life with him, like myself. Those who enjoyed all the moments they had, however few they may have been. They were enjoyed.
This is part of the life I chose and i would not give it back for anything. Although sometimes it is hard to get a grip on what life is giving me. I struggle, I never claimed to be a super hero, saving the world. I’m just doing my bit however I can. I am but mere mortal. I cant help but break down and cry, when I think there will be one less person to say hello too. As is life it comes and it goes. The important thing, is is too enjoy the parts in between. Most importantly; Too fill those parts with people for whom you love and love you. It is for that very reason, I have been to so many funerals this year. I have filled my life, with the most incredible people and taken all their problems as my own. Which may at times seem foolish, but in the end its all just too rewarding and perfect for words. When talking to junior about all this, I mumbled “I dont know how to cope. I have never had this many people die on me before.” He simply smiled and said “Thats because your family has never been this big before.” It was true. Though I may have lost more than I would like in the last two weeks. I still have so many left. To pick me up and work through everything together. Exactly as what we are. As a family.
If all it costs me is my mental health.
Then its a price I’m willing to pay.
All the best people were
stark raving mad anyway.
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