Conversations With My Father

The only times I could ever properly speak with my pops would be when i couldn't handle things on my own anymore. He would always know when this time was and gently but assertively ask the questions he needed to know for me to open up. This would often take place when the house was empty and with me sitting at the top of the stairs peering through the banister at him in a chair below. He would pass on his wise learnings and tell me stories that always seem to make the most sense. For those hours i would sit talking on the stairs i would always think how foolish i had been not to take my place on the third stair from the top and start this conversation before things got to where they were. Even On my first travels east when i was just out of school my father took the opportunity for these talks this was when i needed them most. Beyond the work i did at only 16 the immersion amongst the poor and the learning from a different culture i also learnt a lot from my father. He gave me a level head and gave explanation to all my confusions or concerns.

Now Without my father here to guide me through my rants, concerns and confusions. Without him here to assure me my doubts of faith are rational and without him here to teach me how to turn those doubts into positive actions. With the man Who i thought could never say a wrong word when it came to these talks on the other side of the world. It is with me to find the answers for myself to grow up and begin to learn all the things my father had already learnt. To become an adult In the hope tat one day i could then teach my own troubled thoughtful children. To understand myself i must understand other people.

The concept scares me beyond my wits but fear is but another concept i must learn from and control. Whilst still appearing fearless to those who look to me for warmth and protection. I am far from being a father yet but i have already met kids with no dads no fearless warrior to wipe there tears and plaster there scraped knees. Kids who long for someone to give them hope and already they are looking to me. Without realizing it i have become my father not in every sense im still young and reckless but the more I learn the more this is controlled too. i am not yet a father. I am a Kuya to many but still protected by most i am looked upon for comfort and it is comfort i have been willing to give. In turn i learn more how to control my own qualms.

My father passed on his knowledge of life and now im sharing what ever i can with the people who need me. At times it seems to many but others it seems not enough when they give back in love and protection or a knowing smile that sets me to sleep.

This coming year has already put me at my lowest but without the wise advice my father taught me and taught me to learn for myself i wouldn't be able to pick myself up and take tomorrow as another day.