so close in love

only so far away.
the wedding taught me a lot about how much i used to take for granted with Sophie but how love can rage on even a million miles away i have spent nights here crying and ones laughing recently because i have been able to get contact although nothing ever quite feels the same as the days of holding here in my arms and tickling and giggling and late night kisses conversations and it wont at least not until im back the last few days seems to have gone so slow but perhaps because i have been left alone too long at times and got lost in my thoughts and drowning in my tears just like Alice and i feel just about as small i guess i took the pill that makes you smaller because these last few days have made me feel tiny and scared that what could one small person ever do to change such a huge country but anyone who knows me that if i am knocked down i will get back up i have to this is something that took me along time to realize through my life and its the same in love this is one big knockdown but i know that when i get back ill be straight back off the canvas and come back fighting to do what ever i need to make things the same.

love is a strange thing but a thing you always miss and if i miss the feelings now god only knows how i feel when im stuck without anyone in a couple months

but there is no point falling down before i need too right now i have regular contact and im just going to have to store these memories while i can for the hard times with my face on the floor and use the memories to pick my head back up

i love you sophie and ill never stop loving you but please dont wait for me
i want your happiness and maybe we can see how things work out
xxxxxx

pinoyyyy

after the longest flight ever which i thought i slept all the way through but woke up and found out i still had two hours left i have the biggest bum pain ever it actually is starting to hurt to be lazy and sit down
we then had a shuttle bus to the other airport where we then had twenty minutes till our flight to Negros (its a place not an offensive term for our black brothers) to where cousins and uncle were waiting for us.

while sitting at the airport i realized how sad it was that we were the only western people about to get on a flight for the right reasons to help and too learn from an amazing culture there was three other white guys on our flight all in which seemed to be with a filipina wife all who seemed to have become so westernized and that of the Essex girl type commons i had come to get way from (not that there arent some very lovely people in essex and one of which i am very fond of but you get whaat i mean) it was almost quite sickening to watch these men turn somthing of too me an aalmost perfect culture into there own insecurities and ignorances.

landing in negros we walked down to collect our bags we walked into the baggage reclaim after having a text from my uncle saying we had a welcome committee outside. we were bombarded by a small girl all in purple who ran from the other side of the baggage room it wasn't till she was clinging to all of us we realised it was our friend from manila 23 year old Lourdes "come quickly everyone is over here" we were then welcomed by four other familiar faces. presuming this was our welcoming committee we all walked outside smiling and laughing at the thought of old friends it was then when we got out side we found the real welcoming committee who looked just as surprised and happy we did to see our friends from manila it seems they had flown from manila at the same time as us but on a different airline and had come for the wedding so we piled into the back of a van crammed full of smiling sweaty people jokes flied in a mix of both Tagalog and English.

We arrived at Emma's to the smell of cooking and all shared three whole chickens and a pile of rice before heading back to our hotel for some well needed sleep.

then after the morning trek back on to the massive subdivision i arrived back at Emma's house ready to go to a traditional Filipino wedding/BBQ the sweaty walk taought me one thing after nearly being mowed down by a moped

KFC deliver!

'Nuff Love&respect

it has been an emotional morning that has tested me and my faith in what im about to do
staring at polaroids of happy memories and reading the writings of a lover i will never forgetit fills me with a warm happiness but a sad bitterness at the same time and one i can only hope will fade away when i start to do all the good i came for

sitting in a airport in the middle of the middle east officially the loneliest place to be sitting and waiting for five hours with nothing but my laptop my thoughts and the sound of weary travelers snoring in the background people come and go from the so called quiet room some too catch a few hours sleep and some apparently to bring there screaming babies in and piss everyone off

thank god for my music and Arabic wifi about the only two things keeping me sane
as they both connect me with my baby
the songs we listened too and the words we can share right at this very moment

with a 6 hour flight gone and a 8 hour one too come
im left with one thought more than any


my bum really hurts
sorry its not very profound but its true

'nuff love&respects

i feel to blame

the conversations with the people who i am close too are becoming very difficult as i get closer to leaving. although they are excited for me i this big feeling in my stomach that im hurting them and leaving them behind. im so excited and determined to make the most of the time i have left. it just becomes very hard seeing the sadness in the eyes of the ones i hold closest.
1 week
not long at all
1 bloody week
i have never felt such fear mixed with excitement
its a cocktail of disalusioned feelings
and one i cant wash down.

'nuff love & respect

about 2 weeks

Okay so technically I'm not away traveling and seeing the world just yet. Still the day is creeping and i have this feeling in my stomach a floating sensation greater than my first day at school or the first time i touched a girls hand. This i have come to realize is the feeling of growing up i know that I'm leaving a lot behind it is constantly been in the back of my head. For probably a good nine months and these have been the best nine months i have ever had in Southend but i know that this town wont go anywhere and hopefully she wont either. This is my life now i have to grow up and learn more about myself. See the world and help change the lives of others in order to be able change myself. Its going to be one awfully long adventure and this blog is to keep everyone safe in the knowledge that I'm alive and making a difference. So if you care or even if you don't then i will try and update this with pictures, stories and heart pours whenever i can.

Nuff love and respect